The National Institute of Health (NIH) has an important message for you: do not stick your penis into a vacuum cleaner for a cheap thrill.
According to an NIH study, out of 48 masturbation injuries studied (and you think your job sucks), 36 were “vacuum cleaner injuries” to the penis. We won’t discuss it here in case you are having lunch, but the other 12 involved foreign bodies introduced into the urethra.
Assuming you don’t have a Vajankle handy, the obvious next step is a desire to make passionate love to your vacuum cleaner. Duh, amiright? But like in any sport, you need to know how your gear works before hitting the field.
For example, the nice folks over at Alternet remind us of the case of 51-year-old man who initially call 911 to report someone had stabbed him in the penis as he slept. Surprisely, that was not true and the injury was in fact due to his intimate contact with his vacuum. An official told the local news, “What he didn’t realize is that there’s a fan in the vacuum cleaner right under where the hose attaches that pushes the dust into the collection bag.”
About a half-inch of the man’s penis was sliced off. He was rushed to the hospital, and underwent surgery to stop the bleeding. As the ER physician explained (and you think your job sucks), “People do a lot of weird things when they don’t have a partner. You name it and they stick it in. The standard excuse is, `It got caught in the zipper.’”
As a public service reminder to be careful, please note:
— Vacuum cleaners suck as masturbation devices.
— If you are opening the closet to romance your vacuum, you are looking for love in all the wrong places.
— If you are injured in a vacuum-related love act, you may not get all your attachments back.
— Match.com and the like really work. You don’t need the appliances, brother.
— It is very weird how you look at the Roomba.
— Just don’t do it, OK? It’s no joke.
Image via Dyson
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